A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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