If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize