you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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