no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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