Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
