he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize