i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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