I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
