There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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