two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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