Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize