When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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