Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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