Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Randomize
