soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
