So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
