he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
