I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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