plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
