Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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