Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
