Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
