Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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