There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
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