Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
