Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
and she was petting her beer can
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
