i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm getting married
To pizza
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
