so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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