I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
