I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
