My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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