Your face is a jimmy john
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
