i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
