omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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