I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
