i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Randomize
