you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
