This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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