Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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