the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Randomize
