Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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