I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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