I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
