it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
