If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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