so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Randomize
