Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
