if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
