first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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