I will die if light touches me.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
