So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
