You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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