i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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