do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
