So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
