This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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