Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
